A wave of melancholy...

The wave of melancholy that assaulted me since I've finished my short film, 'Forced Labour', continues.

The past three days have gone by with a flash, and I've seemingly been going through them listlessly, aimlessly. It doesn't help matters when it is the beginning of the semester break, where I can't use my studies to keep myself occupied. I live in the Student Village of Murdoch University, in a flat where I share with 3 other people. To my horror, all 3 of my flatmates will be gone for vacation or others during the break, thus I will be the only person left in the flat. Two have already left, another will be in two days. I am filled with dread.

Despite the fact that I am usually a loner who prefers doing things by himself (I like taking walks in Perth city by myself sometimes, feeling uncomfortable or impatient in groups), I can't deal with the feeling of loneliness. You wonder, if that's the case, how could I wander in the city by myself? Well, even though I was usually by myself, I wasn't truly alone, there would always be strangers and well, some other soul nearby, and that alone is comforting. I am an Outsider, but when there ain't any other 'Insiders', I'm nothing.

I've been falling asleep in front of the TV in my room for a few straight days, I fell asleep watching old reruns of David Letterman (May episodes where we have guests like Samuel L Jackson promoting Star Wars 3), and last night, MAD TV.

Can you believe this? Despite how funny it was, I dozed off watching MAD TV, and I didn't even realize that. When I opened my eyes again, I saw some minister preaching about Jesus and Christianity, but doing it in such an over-the-top manner that I thought MAD TV had yet to end, and I giggled briefly... until I realized that there weren't any of the familiar canned laughter you hear in MAD TV, and that the whole speech was way too long for a skit. I switched of the TV and slept after that.

I slept again just now, when I was watching a supposed two-hour celebration of Channel 10 which showed old footages of some of the biggest Australian stars right now when they were just starting out. It was funny to see the likes of Russell Crowe and Guy Pearce being in a crap soap opera like 'Neighbours'. To the uninitiated, this is a crap soap opera that launched the careers of Crowe, Pearce, and Kylie Minogue, and it's still showing every weekdays, at 6:30, I know, because it's the show that comes after Simpsons.

This blog is obviously becoming increasingly boring to most. What is there to read when I am not in my previous sarcastic form? When I wasn't spoofing some dumb blog of some dumb 'film reviewer'? What is there to read when I'm not even reviewing a movie? But then, what do people usually expect from this blog? I've originally used this as a place to write articles, but what is there to write anymore? Yes, perhaps i should continue jotting the numerous console RPGs I've completed in a distant past, but I'm just not in the mood for this now.

But why am I still so moody and melancholic? It's 2:10AM right now (there's no time difference between Malaysia and Australia) while I'm writing this line. It's two hours before my usual bedtime. I used to have lots of things to do during my nightly Internet surfings, chatting in forums, chatting with people via MSN, looking up some film news or anything else of interest to me et cetera, all these usually kept me occupied and entertained. Yet for reasons I cannot comprehend, even if I attempt to do what I usually do, I'm still going to feel melancholic.

I hate this feeling of vulnerability and emptiness. This feeling of aimlessness and helplessness. It's even worse when so little people can actually understand this feeling. Or even care. But am I really seeking attention? Desperate for people to send in comments saying stuff like 'awww, you'll be okay', and 'ah, i understand how you feel'.

I've just broken a rule I set for myself with this entry, which is to talk about my personal life instead of the filmmaking or writing endeavours I'm involved in, or the usual affairs that interest me. After all, this blog is more about what I think about certain issues, and how I feel about these, but I tend not to post about what I feel about myself or my own life, because it's too incoherent.

I had been seeking some film festivals last night that I can send my short films too, and I've narrowed down my choices to two events held in Albania and Mumbai, India. And why am I suddenly shifting the topic to this? I have no idea. It's probably a habit. Or defense mechanism.