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Friday, September 09, 2005

Oh, the things I had to deal with in an anime message board!

It`s funny, actually, how your past can always return to haunt you. Despite me trying my best to sever all contacts from the people of that anime club I once served as a committee member, I received private forum messages from one of the guys responsible for my resignation from the committee. The guy is Raywing, who got into a very ugly flame war with me prior to my resignation. It all had to do with the fact that we both had massive egos. Seriously.

From : Raywing
To : Eliar
Subject : We need to talk.

Eliar Swiftfire, my old `friend`, we need to talk. It seems that you`ve been quite an ass during my absence. My my, you retarded son of a bitch, you never change, do you? Egoistic and narcissistic as ever.

Now, fucking listen up. If you try being a smart ass to the other moderators again, I will make you suffer total humiliation. Have I made myself clear? Yes? Good dog.


Of course, seeing that he`s being rather uncivilized and rude with his usage of words, I chose to be condescending send him a simple PM.

From : Eliar
To : Raywing
Subject : RE: We need to talk.

I don`t talk to trash. Your private message will be messaged to (name of the forum admin censored).

I know I sounded nasty. But well, his initial message wasn`t that nice either.

From : Raywing
To : Eliar Swiftfire
Subject : Fuck you.

You`re a fucking moron. A cowardly piece of shit. Badmouthing me after leaving the committee? I knew you were an egomaniac, but not a fucking coward.

It was almost two years ago. And aye, unfortunately, his accusations were right. I was rather angry when the actions of him and his buddy, Xen, were so dire that I chose to resign from the anime club`s committee. In fact, I wanted to take a step further, by exposing his actions, by putting up our ugly exchange shortly before my resignation. It was ugly, with us both behaving like kids, and calling each other names, and ended up with him finally losing it and launching to some profanities.

But hey, I was hurt, man. Despite my inability to contribute much, I did serve as an emcee during one of their events. And to suddenly leave like that was a difficult decision to make.

From : Eliar Swiftfire
To : Raywing
Subject : RE: Fuck you.


How DARE you think that you are a better person than I am? My massive ego and narcissism wouldn`t have bothered you so much if it weren`t for the fact that YOU yourself are the same. If not, you sanctimonious bastard, you wouldn`t be THAT bothered about my personality, and think that you are high and mighty enough to have me conforming to how YOU want me to act.

Eliar Swiftfire

The whole situation was rather similar to the Narcissism entry I put up back then, remember? It`s like, all people are narcissistic, just that some just don`t want to admit it. And think that they are so flawless that the others should change based on what they say.

From : Raywing
To : Eliar Swiftfire
Subject : Let`s calm down.

Okay, since you`re such a hopeless bastard, I will do something you will never ever do. I will indeed admit that yes, my actions back then were harsh and childish. To get involved in a fight with a fellow committee member based on some disagreements was one of the stupidest things I`ve ever done. I guess this streak in my personality goes back to my childhood. See, my parents didn't want a boy. They wanted a girl. Now, most people in their situation would say 'Okay, we didn't get what we wanted but SO WHAT, he's still our son. Not my parents. They couldn't accept that I was a boy. When I was growing up, they made me dress like a girl - wearing panties, dresses, growing my hair long, everything. Needless to say this didn't go over well with the kids at school. I got called faggot and beaten up every day after school. I told my parents but they didn't care. I think they wanted me to get some kind of operation because they were always taking me to the doctor. I have so many bad memories from this period, of the doctor examining me, asking me what it felt like to be me, STICKING HIS HAND UP MY ASS - yes, that happened, I don't know why. When I got to be about twelve I started getting hair on my chest, my voice changed, and my father didn't like it. If I spoke with a deep male voice my father would kick me in the nuts. He was always saying 'Maybe if I kick those balls hard enough they'll just disappear on up in there!'

Really fucking funny, right? I went through this at least once every week until I learned to just talk with a high girl voice all the time. Once again - the school situation. I'd managed to figure out to change clothes before I went to school so I didn't get beaten up, but my voice always slipped because I was so nervous. People told me I should join the choir and become an alto. Even now, thinking back, I hate those fucking kids so much. Those assholes didn't understand that it wasn't my fault. I mean think about it - you think any kid would dress up and talk like a girl just because he wanted to? But even to this day, I have trouble talking with a regular male voice, my voice is still high-pitched as you know. Well, when I got older I managed to get away from my parents but I was still being affected by what happened. I couldn't break the cycle. I guess that's why I got into anime in the first place. It was because I could relate to the high squeaky voices and the guys dressing like girls. Whenever it happened in anime they always seemed so powerful and cool, unlike what it had been like for me in real life.

When I was alone I started secretly dressing up like a woman again and hoping I'd meet a man who would understand me - seems nuts but one day I eventually met Xen. I'll never forget the first time he put his finger in my ass. We'd been hanging out in my room smoking pot and he stumbled over to my closet and opened it somehow, seeing all my girl clothes. He got really excited and made me try them on, then took pictures of me. One thing led to another and before I knew it...well, that's how we got so close, anyway. He's given me so much pleasure I don't know if I can ever repay him. But, the reason I act like a dick sometimes is because I'm still insecure from what I just described. I'm terrified people will find out about my past, so I feel like I have to act like a bigshot on places like CF. I don't know why I told you all this, I mean with what happened and all, perhaps, in some ways, we are similar.

But not THAT similar, Eliar, I`m a mature adult. You`re a childish loser. You deliberately chose NOT to delete the Lee Kuan Yew post by your guestblogger because you`re a fucking attention whore. You are just desperate for attention. How dare you fucking let your guestblogger post a retarded post like this to insult MY country?

I can never stand the fact that he`s so into name-callings. But I let that slide. Cos` I did feel kinda bad that he would do something like this first. I mean, what the hell? Him being the noble one first? And not me?? The great Swifty??

To tell you the truth, I was rather ashamed of myself after reading his message. Perhaps sometimes, I was too blinded by my narcissism and ego to actually think things carefully. I was wrong about Raywing as well. But deep inside, I had believed that despite his overbearing internet persona, he is a decent person in real life.

He was right in his last sentence, it was kinda wrong to continue putting up that entry. I myself didn`t like seeing my own country of birth (... and also my lady love`s) being dissed like this by Patrick either. Friend or no friend. That was a stupid and tasteless move.

We will never be friends, Raywing and I, because both of us are indeed narcissistic, egoistic assholes. But tonight, he showed me that he was the better man. He could admit his flaws. I have none.

Perhaps, in another world, another life, another universe, we could`ve been friends. I am ashamed of my past arrogance and narcissism.

My dear readers, I want all of you here to be my witness.

I, Edmund Yeo aka Eliar Swiftfire, will try hard to be a better person. Mark my words.

Yes, RayWing says that the above are ALL fictional, and I have to agree, because the first few messages were reconstructed via memory, and were not entirely accurate. And the last one was obviously fictional, as if he would actually be classy enough to make peace with me.

So, the truth? Here's the truth. The actual private message he sent to me at the forum, which, I am sure he will say that it is fictional:

Long time no see! ^^

Ah, if it isn't my "old friend" Eliar Swiftfire.Haven't been around for a long time, but I thought someone was supposed to have left the forum and handed over to his "sister" his account on Comic Fiesta... You know what? I thought you have castrated yourself in order to get that excuse.

Ah well, nevermind.

It so happened that I found something interesting, though it dated all the way back last year... "think I should share with everybody here how fucking stupid Raywing is?" That's pretty cool. I mean, I knew you were an asshole, but I didn't realise that you'd resort to something this cowardly.

That's fine.

And I've heard lately that you've been trying to be a wise guy to some mods and other people. Ah well, I guess old habits die hard, especially harder on a retard?Now fucking listen up, eliar --- I'm giving you a fucking chance and consider this a chapter closed. Here's my warning to you --- If I hear any fucking complaints about you again and the complaint is valid (I'll be fair on this), or you try to stir up some trouble by doing that cowardly thing again, trust me you can forget about coming back to this place and I promise you you'll be so fucking humiliated.

You understand there? Good dog.


P/S: The humiliation calls it quits here. This is for your cowardly acts back then. I'll be fair to you that if you don't try to be a bastard, I will leave you alone. But if your ego is too strong to swallow this and you wanna try something funny, bring it. And don't say I didn't warn you.

Ah, that above Private Message is FICTIONAL too, because you are such a nice and wonderful guy that you are incapable of making threats, right? So, my infavorable response to that PM had to do with my 'oh-so-massive' ego? AH, of course, I'm sure ANYONE with a MUCH lesser ego will easily smile and nod at such an insulting message from you. I'm sure anyone you talk to in this tone will merely smile back at you and agree with what you say because you are such a kind and polite person. Moron. You were obviously trying to instigate a fight.

I'm sure that you are such an HONOURABLE person that you DIDN'T, with GREAT maturity, decide to ask people in forum to join you in your silly little feud against me, by asking all of them to 'pour their wrath' on my blog. It is a good thing that people there display a great amount of maturity and reacted negatively to your determination to bring something personal into their forum, but I guess all those certainly did NOT happen, right? Because they are FICTIONAL! Lalaala! Those people in SGCafe probably didn't understand what a GREAT man you are, you crusader, you crimefighter. Moron.

How about this little so-called punishment of yours? Where you abused your moderator powers and messed up my account so badly that until now, no one can find out why I cannot access the forum anymore? Let me show everyone the print screen I did, so that they can have an idea what a wonderful and mature human being you are.

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I'm SURE you weren't responsible for such childish actions. I'm SURE that you weren't the one who left the taunts on my guestbook about your wondrous 'punishment'. I'm sure what you did wasn't defamation, I'm sure your ceaseless braggings to various parties in different message boards that I was 'kicked' out of CF due to my 'incompetence and arrogance' weren't slander, because you are SUCH a great person, and all these were figment of my imagination.

You are unbelievable, you have the ability to come up with excuses for every single thing you do. In your own skewed point of view, you are such a great person that every single thing you did is right, is justifiable, because you are the greatest person in the universe, and that despite what you've done, you do NOT deserved to be regarded as a bad guy. You SHOULDN'T be banned despite your trolling and your abuse of moderator powers because, why? You were doing something NOBLE and GOOD? Sheesh, I wish I have such a high opinion of myself too.

Then for your sake, I hope you will be accepted to the committee again, you fighter of light, you heroic champion of goodness, you upholder of justice. Because you are so high and mighty that you have the right to dictate how a person should live his life, and that how your ideals should be imposed upon anyone. That you have the right to 'punish' another party, and to teach someone a 'lesson of humility' because you are flawless and great that every single thing you do should be praised and respected. My, maybe I should learn from you, maybe I should go around 'teaching' people I meet online 'a lesson' too.

My dear readers, please believe me, RayWing ABSOLUTELY did not commit any of those against me as he is NOT a person of questionable character. Please believe me that RayWing is definitely a good man. I am so sorry for all these misunderstanding, maybe because I didn't know that everything Raywing does has justification, and that to be a 'good person' you must be like RayWing. Yes, you are such a role model that when I am at your age, I wish my life would be like yours, and I am sure people here agree with me. To forever advocate for goodness on the Internet, and vindicating people I met online.

Everybody, please listen up, even if he might be capable of doing what he did to me above, they were all in the name of justice, please don't ever oppose him, because he is just doing it in the name of goodness, and everything he does HAS JUSTIFICATION. Therefore, please do not doubt RayWing again, he is a great human being. Everything he does will always be in the right, he is the embodiment of perfection and honour. Even one as egoistic and narcissistic as I would never ever make such claims.

That is all I have to say about RayWing. And the last. I am NOT important enough to ever make statements about him anymore because he has the right to dictate what I write, and not write, on my own blog. And future comments by RayWing will immediately be deleted, because I am unworthy of such honour from a flawless human being like him. I will consider this chapter of my life closed, because I am too insignificant to share it with one as great as RayWing. I will now get out of your life, because you are too mighty. I will cease to associate myself with you, just like how I did two years ago, because you are too mighty. I am ashamed of myself that I would continue doing such things on the Internet, I wish someday, I will be like you, and have no shame for anything.

One who never ever admits his faults, one who goes around imposing his own will upon anyone else he meets on the internet, one who constantly believe he is right and never wrong, one who is capable of commiting actions of slander and defamation against another and would throw a hissy fit and threatens for lawsuit when being retaliated against. *shakes head in disbelief* Incredible. Despite my own arrogance, I don't think I would actually do half the things done by him.