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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Taka: The Greatest Reviewer of All Time (J-MADNESS)

Taka is from Tokyo, Japan, and he likes to post reviews in English on Amazon.com. Utilizing his formidable command of the English language (which he modestly refers to as "poor" but which could more accurately be described as "poetic"), Taka doesn't want to just jerk-off about whatever passes through his CD player: no, he's on a motherfucking mission to expand your closed-off tastes. In that he does shit I could have done (i.e. promoting Namie Amuro and X-Japan) he's a success, but no one, myself included, possesses the kind of mastery of diction that EVERY ONE of his reviews displays. Every single item he has recommended is on my "to get" list. Without further ado, here are some choice quotes from Taka's reviews, so you can understand for yourself just why you'll never be as cool as he is. Quotes in bold indicate times when I about lost my shit.

"My hobbies are many, dare to mention, playing classical guitars, making music by using pc, listening pop music especially 80'Japanese pop and U.S.A pops or studing English."

"After that, X did major debut. But in such indies activity condition, their rumor that X had incredible playing techniques expanded to all Japanese bands mouth to mouth."

"That reason is always not just the pioneer on the genre, he [Osamu Tezuka] included hisself messages to his mangas always, for instance anti war philosophy, the opinion for environmental destruction and so on."

On shoujo manga: "By using beautiful atmosphere like old France style or pure love story of knights, the creaters tempted girls very well."

"You will know that there are great etudes in the world like Chopin's piano etudes which are over the scale as ordinary etudes, the expression included the songs, beautiful melodies and the chopin's message or history included the songs."

"If I dare to introduce her charms more, she can sing with very well power of expression. In sorrow songs, she subdue her voice volume and sing like whispering, on the other hand, she sing very powerful as she can in light songs such as summer songs." [Yes, this sentence is a poem]

"At that time, his voice was very beautiful and high tone voice. But he disliked hisself voice very much, and had the voice complex. For that, in the middle of his singer life, he dared to drink very hard every day, and he broke his throat intentionally."

On Grave of the Fireflies and My Neighbor Totoro: "If the watchers are children, their favorite work may be Totoro, but in the point of letting us think about more deep things, peace, love, tenderness, the strong bond between brothers or our happiness that can eat many foods, this movie will be more high splendid movie than Totoro."

"Therefore if you are a man who love 80' electorical, dance sounds, you will be sartisfied with TMN sounds absolutely because TM's becautiful sounds add to their dancable numnbers."

"In addition to that, his song words included very deep message, especially for teenagers, the resistance to schools, the contradiction to society, teen's life future or the mean that teen live even." [perfect summation of everything I stand for. Thanks, Taka]

"Anyway, my hot genre increase more."

"In Japan the main theme is how to chase the county benefit, how to develop their GNP and so on. But everybody do not care about how to cope with our mental problems."

"I heared that the vocal of Capentars died of anorexia. But to but it the other way around, I think that she could write the dericate and honest words."

"Because Japanese idol genre[Jananese word/AIDORU] was born as the unique genre 30 years ago. For instance, tend to gather teenager girls, to put on showy clothes... Anyway, the genre is based on the uniqueness in Japan. "

"Morningu Musume have many Japanese girl teenagers fans, but in addition to them, have many adult men too. The truth will be Japanese uniqueness. Foreigners can not understand the trend."

"Even if what reasons exist there, atomic bomb is NO!"

And Taka's signature line which closes all of his reviews:

"Thank you for reading poor English."


From: "Taka" takanyan5@hotmail.com
To: "Justin" infinitydoctors@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Your Reviews
Date: Mon, 31 August 2005 07:39:55 +0000

Thank you for sending the thank-you message very much.
I have the more emotion that I want to write my reviews about Japanese
music when the messages to my reviews are send to me like this case.
That is the most my wish that foreigners know about the great things of
Japanese pops and the foreigners hand down to their friends or families..

I will write about Japanese pops reviews from now on, and I care what I
write the reviews that foreigners can understand the JPOP easily, for instance, I write about the genre concretly like folk, idol, rock and so on.

If you have time, sometime please check my reviews from now on.

And I am delighful that you have interests to Japanese culture or
Japanese language.
Tokyo is big and great city like N.Y. and Kyoto is very beautiful and
histrical city where even Japanese are tempted.
I wish that the studying to Japan will be great journey.

Thank you very much for reading poor English.

Simply put, Taka is bigger than Christ. I continue to strive to apply his teachings to any and all situations, as well as emulate his Joycean command of up-level puns, syntax, and double meanings. (How Kyoto can be both "historical" and "hysterical" and "tempt" even the Japanese? Genius!
Show your love for him by reading his work, buying the things he tells you to buy, and voting up his reviews.