Someone's 2003 April Fool Prank.

This is an April Fool prank I posted on famous Jpop news and gossip site, Jmusic.com back in 2003. It was pretty big, got thousand plus hits on that day. Putting it here for archiving reasons.






Utada Hikaru is getting marriedIn a bizarre situation for everyone involved, Utada Hikaru (20) has abruptly filed for divorce from Kiriya Kazuaki (34). The couple got married on September 2002 and were "very happy" by all accounts, when lawyers from Utada Hikaru apparently contacted Kazuaki with the papers. "Irreconcilable differences" were cited.

The whole affair apparently began the night of the Gold Disk Award, during which Utada Hikaru won the 'Best Artist of the Year' title. During Utada's performance after that, Kiriya was overheard to say that Ai Kago of Morning Musume looked "extremely attractive".

Kiriya apparently drank himself into a stupor later that evening, and it wasn't long before his purported sex-addiction returned in full-force as he was apparently "making moves" on everyone from Misia to Namie Amuro to Gackt at the post-award party later that night. The only comment that Gackt had about the situation was that his fans, whom he regarded as 'his dears' has "nothing to worry about".

Later that evening, Utada Hikaru walked in on Kazuaki in his bedroom room, and was shocked to find him playing 'Kingdom Hearts' on the Playstation 2 with Ayumi Hamasaki watching. Hikaru apparently broke out into tears right then and there, and apparently "lost it".

A close friend said, "I've never seen Hikki this upset in my life. She wasn't even this upset when she found out how old Kazuaki really was. She cried all night and woke up the next day to find the entire Morning Musume group playing her Playstation 2 with Kiriya." Kiriya's publicist didn't have anything to say today, but did offer this bit of advice to the public: "Playing a game which your wife did the theme song for is a bad way to bag a woman, especially if this woman is your wife's archrival."

Kiriya's publicist was apparently fired after that statement, but his new publicist quickly retorted with a follow-up statement to "clean up" Kiriya's public image: "My client, Kiriya Kazuaki, is an addict. He loves women, he loves sex, he loves booze, but most of all...he loves Playstation 2 and when you mix them all together like that...well, you've seen the results first-hand yourselves. Kiriya wishes Utada Hikaru all the best, but admits that he won't miss her much."

Utada's publicist would only say: "Hikki is devastated today because her marriage is over, but even worse than that, she's devastated because she never signed a prenuptial agreement when she first fell in love with this clown, and therefore, cannot collect on the times that she babysat him, brought his food or cleaned up his puke. Hikki is hoping that this divorce will allow her to forget the bad times with Kiriya Kazuaki, and remember that she is still a very beautiful young woman."

The whole thing is actually very sad because the couple seemed to be the "perfect" pair in the Japanese entertainment industry. Catching up with Kiriya after his netball match last night, a photographer managed to snap a picture of Kiriya flipping him the bird, along with a choice mix of words to the effect of: "Yeah, why don't you bring that f**kin' camera over here so that I could stick it up your f**kin' ***hole, you f**kin' piece of sh*t!" Kiriya's publicist would only say of the incident: "Kazuaki is always drunk when he plays tennis. Also, his trophy wife just left him...cut the man some slack, you jerks."

Kiriya Kazuaki is about to make his directing debut in the animated film 'Shinzou Ningen Kyashan' later this year. Utada Hikaru is currently taking a break from all these by having a vacation in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, where the queen of Jpop has already been seen around town with a local famed fanfiction writer and owner of a great mailing list called Precious Speed ML. Edmund Yeo (19) (a.k.a. Eliar Swiftfire), the man with whom she has been spotted would only say this about the affair: "Mwahaha! April Fool, y'all!"