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Monday, April 23, 2007

10 Things To Do After A Break-Up (PS I Hate You list)

[kingyo] A nocturnal conversation at the carpark


(Edmund: In case you cannot read the name of the author at the bottom of this blog post properly, I would like to point out that this blog post, despite remaining as one of the most popular blog posts of all time here, is written not by me but by the self-published author May Zhee)

Don’t you just hate it when you find yourself still itching to go back to the daily life with your partner even after The Breakup? This especially pertains to those close-knit couples, who will go crazy and pull out their hair or something if they are away from each other.

Why would such a great couple break up in the first place I wouldn’t know. Maybe they grew bored. Maybe their parents got in the way. Maybe I stole their boyfriends. Etc etc.

Since the book PS I Love You tells about the list a girl followed to free herself from the cage of all things lugubrious due to her husband’s death, my list PS I Hate You will tell about what you can do to keep yourself from running back to your ex just minutes after The Breakup.

Apart from building a wall out of potatoes in front of your house, I mean.

Actually, I think that goes into the list too.

1. Visit the nearest karaoke (who cares if it’s shabby! You’re heartbroken, woman!) and sing from morning till night. Drown out the temptations in your head from The Ex with your own voice! Suggested songs include Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne – it’s a real mood lifter, Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani – this shit is your bananas, and any Jay Chou songs – just advertising my favorite singer.



2. Buy a new piece of outfit, put it on along with loads of make-up and spend a day out! Camwhore as much and as shamelessly as you can. Camwhore with everyone. Camwhore with everything. Break my record. I can take 1000 photos of myself in 15 minutes.




3. Start a brand new blog. It always makes people feel good. A brand new beginning ma! Or a photo album, Flickr and whatnot. Upload your best photos and think of all the the most outlandish captions to write beneath it. If you have nice captions but no photos, then whip out the camera and take more photos la! Duh!

Tell yourself this face and this body needs to stay single.



4. Believe it or not, this works if you’re willing to try it: read a book. Choose one that is stubbornly unputdownable. Even the best sellers can deceive you sometimes. I won’t recommend Vanitee Bee, I don’t think I’m up to that standard yet (but my next book will. Stay tune for that). From my personal experience, it would have to be Dan Brown books - Da Vinci Code, Angels & Demons etc, the Shopaholic series – Confessions of a Shopaholic, Shopaholic Takes Manhattan, many many more …for now that’s about it. These are the only two series that I am indubitably confident of proposing here.

Oh of course! Harry Potter! Man that book was so ubiquitous I now have this tendency to think everyone has Harry Potter surgically implanted into their head so I wouldn’t need to remind them.

Once you get hooked on the book, the last thing you will want to do is pick up your phone and SMS The Ex.



5. Piss off a friend who is in the relationship. Show her how you can go round kissing guys in photos or letting guys kiss you in photos and not worry about getting jealous that the guy you like will do the same to make you angry because you no longer have a guy you like. Hah! Take that!

Okay that didn’t make a lot of sense but nevermind, you get the gist.




6. Write e-mails to all of your friends. The anticipation of having a written e-mail from your friend which is not a stupid forwarded chain letter or funny photos can be quite pleasant. Might as well let them know you broke up with so and so to avoid potential embarrassing moments in the imminent future, right?

Sometimes it’s plain annoying to read e-mails. Okay forget this plan then.

7. What would you do if you were really, really scared after watching a horror movie? Do you keep yourself occupied by blogging? Do you make up a little sketch involving you and Brad Pitt naked, rolling around in bed, hot, hot HOT in your head?

Do it. I realize I’m equating The Ex to the ghost in your heart/mind, but it’s the same right. You can keep your mind distracted.

8. Friends. Friends. Friends. Friends are damn important when it comes to kicking The Ex out of your mind, which is why you should never sideline them. (And this is a case of talk big, no action, because I always sideline my friends for my boyfriend.)

Your friends are sure to lend you a helping hand if you tell them you want to forget The Ex. That’s because first, girls are ke poh chi people. Second, friends in need are friends indeed ma. Shopping, hanging out at another’s place, turning lesbian for a day … your pick.



Now, now, I do notice that this list is mostly for women, but it’s not my fault! You can’t expect me to don on a dick and think like a man, can you?

Feel free to add on more in the comments!


9. Do nasty things to The Ex but do not let him know. I believe that there is no harm in venting your frustrations in the form of writing medical letters about his erectile dysfunction and filming down your scathing comments about his dick size, as long as no one knows about these lies.



I repeat, do not send the letter/video to anyone. But if you want to, my e-mail is lim@mayzhee.com

Once you let out all these anger, I’m sure you’ll feel much better. Or maybe you don’t feel anger. In that case, forget this plan.

If you find this boring and interminable, have no fear, it’s coming to an end.

10. Do whatever you can to steel yourself for a new relationship. You don’t have to rush headfirst into a relationship because I know some of you might consider this being on the rebound. Get to know some guys, and you will realize that it’s much better to have many guys caring for you than to just have one. And I am positive the ‘care’ given by these guys will increase in amount and intensity if you don’t have a boyfriend. *wink*



Sorry lor. It’s not my best. I wrote this in like half an hour I think. I felt really bad not posting anything as a guest blogger and I knew if I delayed this I will never get it done.

Okay, you caught me, I did this list bad on purpose. That’s because I want ideas from other people! Um, yeah, on purpose, you know.

By the way, VOTE FOR MY BLOG at SG FRIENDS! www.mayzhee.blogspot.com/ you will see it when you get there.

Now I better run before Swifty kills me for my advertising. And for the damn long post. -_- Sorry lar. Make up for my absence. (Eh, Swifty said I provide youthful energy to this blog! Youthful energy!!! Youthful energy comes in long posts.)
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