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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Almost lost my eyesight. I Now Appreciates The World More.

I woke up at 8:45am today, by the sound of my insanely loud ringtone of my mobile phone that doubles as my alarm clock. There will be a flat walthrough today, which is carried occasionally to ensure that students have kept their flats clean enough. I had to wake up and mop the floor.

Drowsily, I reached for the table next to my bed, trying to get my glasses... until I realized that it wasn't there. Opening my eyes in confusion, I started looking blindly for my glasses. It was all in vain because of my weak eyesight, well, not entirely THAT weak, just that all I see without glasses, is a blurry haze, where I can still see the shapes and forms, but not its details.

I searched throughout the table, the drawers, the floor, everywhere, yet my glasses weren't there. Tears welled up in my eyes, rolling down my flawlessly beautiful cheeks, making me so heartbreakingly gorgeous that I would inspire sculptors to create statues of me immediately.

I have lost my eyesight. Without glasses, I have become nothing. Everything was a blur.

Stumbling out of my room, I took hold of the mop and the bucket, and started mopping the floor, knowing that the flat inspectors will come in less than an hour. Yet it was futile, how could I mop the floor when I couldn't even see whether the floor was clean enough or not? How? Silently, I closed my eyes, praying for the higher powers up there to grant me my sight. I do not want to spend the rest of my life NOT being able to see anything anymore.

What am I without my eyes? What am I without my sight? I do not have heightened sense of hearing, I would be defenseless without my glasses. Despite my ridiculous intelligence and macho sexyfulness, I'm far away from becoming Zatoichi or Daredevil. Blindly, I mopped the floor, and then, I accidentally stepped upon a wet spot, and fell face first onto the ground. My nose shattered at the force of the fall, followed my teeth, I tasted blood in my mouth, and as I struggled to get up, a puddle of crimson had formed beneath me.

My flatmate, Marlin, a sweet Swedish gal, came out of her room, and saw me, broken and defeated, my face a ghastly mask of blood. When someone is sightless, does the world within his mind become more beautiful than reality? Does he imagine himself being in a world of fantasy and dreams? Of perpetual joy and laughter? Does the most mundane things in life become a source of endless wonder for him? In a Chinese graphic novel I read, whilst taking the train, a blind girl would imagine herself being in a train that would fly past skyscrapers, and into the moon, where fairies and mythical creatures reside in.

What happens when they sleep? How do they sleep? How do they close their eyes when they have no eyes to close, when everything is always pitch black? How do they separate dream from reality? Consciousness from unconsciousness?

"Is the floor clean?" I gasped desperately, after the entire session of imagining myself falling onto the ground and breaking my nose, and then thinking deep and philosophical stuff about blind people. "I can't see!! I've lost my glasses!"

"You poor thing!" Marlin said. "I'll help you look for your glasses. Come on!"

Alas, despite her efforts, she couldn't find my glasses either. I crumbled. I fell apart. The status of Aisyalam remains in limbo, and I now lose my eyesight? How can I even direct the Hindi film if I can't see a freaking thing? How could such a tragedy befall upon me? I laughed hysterically, I laughed so much that it became painful, I laughed so much that I wept. But it wasn't tears that I shed, it was blood.

It all happened mentally, so Marlin couldn't see my despair, couldn't feel my pain.

"Damn. I've lost my sight." Was the only thing I can say.

"It's been a weird week." Marlin agreed. "First, Duane is unable to eat beef anymore, and now you can't see anything anymore."

Duane is our other flatmate, a big muscular dude who eats steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and ended up messing up his own stomach so much that doctors asked him to take a break from steak, stick with a healthy diet until he's feeling better.

Anyway, the floors were clean enough (according to Marlin), so I returned to my slumber, hoping that it was all a bad dream. Without my sight, I couldn't even surf at porn sites... not that I do that, of course. But anyway, I found my glasses again some time later after I woke up. It was tangled with the cord of my mouse, and was dangling in mid-air. Yelling in joy and disbelief, with trembling hands, I took my glasses and wore it... the world was clear again. I will not be robbed of the sight of the most beautiful things in the world.

Immediately, I went into the bathroom and admired my reflection. It was wonderful to see my own face again.