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Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Ten Things About Men and Women

1. SizeMen: Big things excite you.
Big bossoms, big curves, big cars, big money, big bodily appendages … and if I continue I would have men wanking to this post.
Women: Tiny things become you.
Fuelled by our intemperate desire to look thin, we either starve or surgically re-sculpture ours bodies. Hearing people associate us with thinness, even morbid remarks like, ‘You’re so thin … do you have cancer?’ fill our hearts with joy.

2. Sex
Men: You feel tired after ejaculation.
Seriously. Anyone care to explain this?! But if it’s too scientific, I’ll probably fall asleep so don’t bother.
Women: You feel tired … of having to pretend you had as much fun as he did.
What’s the deal? We CAN’T enjoy sex as much as men, our orgasm mailbox are emptier than men’s and complicated sex positions always involve us doing all the onerous work. =(

3. AppealMen: Boobs. Ass. Legs.
You find it socially acceptable to demand for big breasts but not at all to have your manhood crushed by girls who find that your penis doesn’t measure up.
Women: Personality. Face.
You find it socially acceptable to demand for adequately shaped and sized penis because they contribute almost completely to pleasure during sex while boobs play a 50% role.

4. TalkingMen: Huh? What is this thing called talking?
Women: Huh? How did you know I was just thinking about this a minute ago? And one hour ago? Also about two hours ago?
Talking is what men call muttering the words, ‘Uh-huh.’ to our heart-felt questions while moving their hands continuously in a left-right direction to tell us to move because we are blocking the television. We have no choice but to conjecture that talking is a higher form of interaction and communication that men cannot possibly fathom.

5. Shopping
Men: You silently thank the Lord when you see shops that have seats.
Women: You silently thank the Lord when you see any shop at all.

6. PrioritiesMen: Career/family, family/career, friends, entertainment.
Where else is a man most often spotted? OT at the office, drinking at clubs, scoring at golf course, meetings on business trips, talking about office, clubs, golf courses and business trips on family gatherings.
Women: Looking good, looking fabulous, looking gorgeous.

7. Solving problemsMen:
Step One: Ignore problem.
Step Two: Still ignore problem.
Step Three: Confront problem.
Step Four: Ignore problem.
Step Five: Punch problem.
Step One: Wear nicer clothes than problem.
Step Two: Spread nasty rumors about problem.
Step Three: Date problem’s boyfriend.
Step Four: Problem becomes another problem.

8. Masturbating
Men: A must-do, must-try, must-see activity.
Women: Nah.

9. Regarding Transformers
Men: Awesome movie! It rocks! Five Stars! Best movie of the year! Hands down! AWESOME MOVIE! Coolest movie ever made! It rocks big time! Transformers, a must-watch! Robots! Action! Hot chick! Fantastic movie!
Women: Of course I loved that movie. It was probably the greatest movie of the … oh look a butterfly.

10. Christmas presents
Men: Last minute shopping is mandatory.
Condoms, period pads and tampons make good and frequent gifts.
Women: Last minute shopping is tempting, even when you’ve bought the Christmas presents in March.
There is just this inevitable thrill about shopping, even for others. What’s more with Christmas songs playing full blast and Christmas decorations inundating the malls, it just sets the ideal ambience. The result? Presents from women are always better than presents from guys.

11. Life Partner
Men: What you see is what you mustn't get.
It is inscrutable why men drool over girls wearing revealing outfits and lots of make-up but their girlfriend/wife must dress modestly with minimum make-up.
Women: What you see, you definitely must get.
Rich, good-looking and beefy arms ... you better not be imaginary.

I promised Swifty I would blog and let’s just say when I made that promise, Christmas preparations haven’t even begun. Heh. Heh.

PS - I'm on the verge of desperation here!If any of you, ANY ONE OF YOU, happen to have tickets to any of Jay Chou's Kung Fu Dunk movie events and VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIP concert tickets in Malaysia (scheduled around February), PLEASE SPARE ME A PIECE. Please please please! I am this close to sleeping with someone for it. PLEASE!

PPS - Edited this post a bit and added number 11.