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Saturday, December 31, 2011

A somewhat nightmarish dream I had to end the year 2011.

It's the last day of the year. I had a troubling dream this morning, even though my sleep was brief (9am to 1:30pm, yes my sleep patterns are odd).

I dreamed that I was in an Eastern European-looking country that was covered in snow. Or maybe it wasn't a real place at all because everything looked so rustic and dilapidated. I was there for an event that I assumed was film-related.

At the event I met a man who seemed ravaged by an unknown terminal illness. He was tall, gaunt and dignified. It was the dignified air about him that made me suspect that I was at the presence of someone who had attained greatness.

We spoke, he told me about his ideals and dreams, I listened.

He suddenly smiled. "I emailed you once before, remember? Many years ago."

It was the sort of dream where I would sort through my own memories and find an entire backstory for a dream-character. And so I tried to remember our email exchange and somehow I remembered that it was something brief and mundane.

We were in his house, it was dimly-lit, the flickering lightbulbs around us somehow cast shadows over me that reminded me of a German Expressionistic film by Fritz Lang.

The man stopped talking, there was suddenly a look of weariness and sorrow on his face.

"It is unfortunate that I don't have much time left."

He collapses onto the floor, I watched impassively. A woman came next to him, yelling his name. I wondered whether I knew the woman too, or perhaps she was hired to look after him. I was overwhelmed by a wave of dizziness.

As I struggled to open my eyes, I already knew that the man was dead. There were photos floating in my mind, photos on a Facebook page, photos of his funeral. These images that floated in my mind felt like my memory.

I saw mourners, and a coffin black as ebony.

I remembered also, that I had collapsed beside the man after the dizziness that overcame me. I was so tired then.

Again I tried to open my eyes and I saw nothing but bright lights. I was in a white room filled with doctors and nurses. Had I been hospitalized? I sat up from my bed. My mother was there too.

When the others were gone, I told my mother what happened. That I met a man but he had just died.

My mother looked grim. "I must tell you what really happened."


"Are you really feeling okay?" She asked. Somehow she looked a little shell shocked.

I nodded.

"You had been in this hospital because you lost your mind. We found you. The doctors had given up on you, the rest of the world thought you couldn't be cured."

"But I thought I lost consciousness because I felt tired. So very tired." I was starting to feel incredulous.

"They thought you were a failure. I tried to believe that things would eventually go well." My mother said.

"A failure?" I almost wanted to sneer if I weren't so devastated. "How long had I been here?"

My mother and everything else was gradually fading away. There was then a loud gushing sound, the sound of a waterfall? But I heard my mother amidst the cacophony of chaotic noises.

"Two years."

My heart skipped a bit. The world was starting to spin around me.

Two years... I've lost my mind for two years? But it felt so much longer. I felt as if I had lost almost an entire lifetime, the prime of my years, I thought I was on the verge of achieving... Something. I couldn't remember anymore. Again, my mind failed me.

And then, I woke up.

I felt relieved, that I was dreaming. My messy little room in Tokyo, my laptop next to my bed, I got up and stumbled out through the door... And found myself blinded by a dazzling white light again.

I brought my hand up, shielding myself from the light, and saw silhouettes of doctors and nurses.

"He's not supposed to know yet! Let him adjust first, didn't I say that?" a doctor yelled.

There were a flurry of activities from the nurses, yet they weren't approaching me.

I felt strangely calm. I think I was smiling serenely. Somehow I knew...

It was a scene from CAPTAIN AMERICA. It was also a scene from INCEPTION.

A dream within a dream.

Is someone going to plant an idea inside my head? I knew a girl who loved INCEPTION...

The alarm clock of my iPhone rang, jolting me awake.

I remained on my bed for a few seconds, I needed that to remember who I was again.