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Friday, August 05, 2005

A Tragic Tale Of A Guy Who Was Hospitalized After Self-Circumcision

Some people are so stupid that you'll end up feeling sorry for them, and thus giving you a sense of awkwardness when you are forced into a conversation with them. How would you deal with people like that when you know that they are infinitely dumb? Personally, I tend to ignore them, because their stupidity annoy me so greatly that I fear that by continuing my interaction with them will inflate my already massive ego even further because I get to witness a being of such stupidity, so inferior to my incredible intelligence that I feel even more awed by my personal greatness.

But whatever idiots you've met, whatever losers you've avoided, I can assure you, almost none of them could be worse than this gentleman here that I intend to immortalize with this blog entry of mine. It's funny, isn't it? That unlike Shakespeare, who immortalized the woman he loved with sonnets, I would be soooo evil, and do such a thing to such a unfortunate soul. But then, you must remember, I am not entirely a good guy, and anyone who has annoyed me very greatly should feel my wrath.

And yep, that is to have his stupidity being immortalized by me.

I met this guy from university last semester, whose name I will choose not to disclose, but will use a name that sounds very close to his real name, I shall call him Vicks. Vicks, you see, is quite unfortunately, a fellow Malaysian, but from the island of Labuan over at East Malaysia. He is, quite frankly, the stupidest person I've met in my life. I kid you not. Yes, I have met people with poor academic grades, but they tend to be pretty smart at other areas, I've met people with lack of common sense, or socially retarded, but they tend to be pretty good at what they do.

But Vicks? Well, he has a massive talent, and his talent is to offend any single soul he meets within the first few seconds. How offensive? Well, have you ever heard anyone bragging about the fact that he had seen 'Miss Congeniality' and the others haven't? Yeah, that's the kind of person he is. Have you ever met anyone in his mid-20s who starts groaning and whining like a pansy because he hears the word 'sex' mentioned during a conversation? ("Oh! Will you guys stop using that word! i can't stand it!") I like to antagonize him, I very openly dislike him, so when he interrupted my friends and I from the conversation with his bitching and whining, I turned to him and started chanting the word 'sex' ("sex! sex! sex! sex! sex!") until he came back with an inane retort ("yes, shuddap edmund, i know, you are veli sexy, so shuddap!"), and covered his ears while sulking.

Have you ever met anyone who brags about his abilities to speak 7 languages to anyone he sees? (them being broken Cantonese, weird accented Mandarin, decent Malay, weird-ass sounding Japanese, horribly accented English, Indonesian that is similar to Malay, and Hokkien... of course, as I've said, he's dumb, thus he didn't realize that some of them are actually DIALECTS!)

Behold my very first meeting with him, where he came to my flat (actually my friend visited me, he tagged along), asked for permission to use my Internet connection, started surfing, and then engage in the following conversation with moi:

Vicks: Edmund, it is OBVIOUS you're not into reading and writing, and not into the English language, so I will recommend you some books.
Swifty: (in the midst of playing friend's Gamecube) Hmm?
Vicks: These are books to improve your grasp in English, and to make you write like a professional... like me.
Swifty: (turns away from TV screen) What the hell are you talking about? I'm a literature minor, and have been into reading and writing since I was a kid.
Vicks: It's just a minor.
Swifty: (rather annoyed) Not into reading? Look at my books. (motions at the piles of books and novels that took up the entire cabinet)
Vicks: Hah! I have more books than you do.
Swifty: (immediately realizes that Vicks is actually a retard and that getting into a pissing contest with him is degrading) Right. And you assume that I am supposed to be bringing my entire collection of books from Malaysia to Perth when I'm only going to be here for one more year.

Unfortunately, sarcasm is a very foreign concept to our friend Vicks here. Which is something I realized later with his classic line.

"Oh! I hate sarcasm! I hate it when you people are being sarcastic because I don't even know when you guys are doing that!" - Vicks

His lack of humour is also something very disturbing, as shown by the following dialogue, this time, a friend of mine, Amy, is involved:

Vicks: *whiny mode* I don't have the time to eat now because I have classes soon!
Amy: Just get a sandwich and eat them while you're walking to your lecture. I do that all the time.
Vicks: Oh, I don't do that.
Amy: Because guys don't multitask!
Swifty: Hah! I can! I have a fantastic talent in eating while performing the arduous task of watching television!
(Amy and Swifty exchange laughter while Vicks looks on)
Vicks: EXCUSE ME? Who says we can't multitask! We guys can actually-
Swifty: For crap's sake, shut up. It was a JOKE!
Vicks: Oh, it is? Gee, I am very bad in this sort of thing. Oh! I hate sarcasm! I hate it when you people are being sarcastic because I don't even know when you guys are doing that!
Amy: Riiiight.
Vicks: Next time, Amy, can you tell me more jokes so that I will get used to them?
Swifty: (thinks) Next time, can I break your legs so I can get used to the sight of you crawling pitifully on the floor?

Now, my dear readers, are you starting to grasp the true stupidity of this guy here? Here's another quote to illustrate his sheer idiocy.

"I had 6 girlfriends, but I never made love to any of them." - Vicks to Amy

The poor girl could only shake her head in disgust, wondering why the hell did that guy even want to tell her such an important little detail about his life. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he's like, er, dumb.

There had also been a time when he pointed to a bloke I knew and told me that the guy's the son of former national badminton player Razif Sidek, which was quite indeed a surprise for me, because I knew that bloke and knew not this information. Of course, Vicks, being the genius he was, immediately came up with this classic line.

"Hah! Just look at you! You're a star-worshipper! You are awed by the fact that he's the son of a celebrity, eh?"
- Vicks

Feeling a tad annoyed by his assumption that I had never seen anything remotely near celebrity status in my life, I took him home and showed him a rather old photo of mine that shut him up:

With Jacky Cheung and Alan Tam
Yes, the guys were really Hong Kong superstars Jacky Cheung and Alan Tam

Now, you have probably gotten a simple idea how idiotic this man is after my VERY lengthy introduction, therefore, I shall start telling his recent tale of woe and tragedy that landed him in the hospital.

Recently, Vicks, for reasons I do not know, became rather obsessed with circumcision. Apparently, he said he wanted to do it as well for his country (yes, that's Malaysia, which is probably weeping when she knew that she has produced such wondrously outstanding citizen) and his father (er, don't ask me why, I don't know). Right, that's pretty cool and um, patriotic.

Then, he bought a self-circumcision tool from a Korean guy and performed the marvellous act upon himself. Side effects occurred, some parts started to swell, and the usually sulky Vicks became sulkier. Alas, the poor man couldn't take the pain anymore and had to go to the hospital few days ago (I wonder what did he tell the doctor? "doctordoctorihave *ahem* circumcisedmyselfandbecametotally *ahem* swollenpleasehelpme!").

He is still hospitalized now, and I think he will be undergoing an operation tomorrow. That poor sod. To tell you the truth, I am not laughing at him, I can't believe how much lower you can get. Seriously, whatever he went through would be the LAST thing I want to happen to me.

Therefore, all I can say to him will be this:

Good luck and get well soon, Vicks, your courageous feat and memorable quotes will be immortalized forever! Do not worry anymore!