In ancient times, PATRICK SWAYZE is a sailor in the Civil War. His only companion is a random black guy fighting on the Northern side in the Civil War. SWAYZE's ship gets caught in a storm and washes up on the coast of Asia. Immediately he sees a bunch of Shaolin monks carrying a struggling ZHANG ZHIYI off towards a mysterious Asian temple.
"Leave her alone!" he yells, rushing into the fray. Close-up of ZHANG ZIYI's perplexed face as she recognizes the unfamiliar yet obviously superior Anglo-Saxon features of PATRICK SWAYZE, thoroughly different from all Asian men she has seen before.
PATRICK SWAYZE and THE BLACK GUY's animal strength overcome the Shaolin monks momentarily, until their Shaolin Kung-Fu and superior numbers win out. SWAYZE and THE BLACK GUY lie on the beach, defeated.
"How we gonna get home now?" THE BLACK GUY SAYS. "Motherfuckin' bitch-ass Asia! I ain't down with this shit."
THE BLACK GUY provides comic relief for a while.
"I need to find that girl!" PATRICK SWAYZE says.
Flashback to ZHANG ZIYI's confused face.
PATRICK SWAYZE and THE BLACK GUY begin walking through the mysterious Asian jungle. They come upon movement in the trees. Thinking it's a monkey, THE BLACK GUY throws a rock up at the trees. But it's not a monkey - it's JACKIE CHAN! He runs away from them, running up trees and using wu-xia skills to evade capture. Chase scene lasting ten minutes. The superior Western running power of PATRICK SWAYZE and THE BLACK GUY eventually overcomes JACKIE CHAN, and they confront him on the ground. JACKIE CHAN throws himself before them and begs for his life.
"We don't want to kill you." PATRICK SWAYZE says. "We just want some answers."
"You...spare...me?" JACKIE CHAN says.
PATRICK SWAYZE extends his hand. JACKIE CHAN looks at it. SWAYZE takes his hand and shakes it. JACKIE CHAN shakes his hand up and down, not understanding the gesture. THE BLACK GUY laughs and JACKIE CHAN smiles.
JACKIE CHAN explains that he is being hunted by the monks for trying to bring peace to Asia. He is the son of the emperor, who was sent to jail when the monks took over. The Shaolin Temple is waging war against the Tokugawa Shogunate over who has the right to distribute opium in Korea. Asia has fallen on dark times, and no one can be trusted.
"That's none of our business." THE BLACK GUY says. "We just want to go home."
"Ports...closed." JACKIE CHAN says.
"There has to be a way!" PATRICK SWAYZE says. "If we help return you to the throne, will you give us ships?"
"We make...team?" JACKIE CHAN says.
"That's right. A team." PATRICK SWAYZE says.
Silence.
JACKIE CHAN extends his hand and shakes it up and down in the air, mimicing the earlier handshake. PATRICK SWAYZE and THE BLACK GUY laugh at CHAN's comical Asian lack of understanding. The team is formed. Fade out as the three walk off into the jungle.
Cut to the interior of the Shaolin temple. The monks carry in the still-struggling ZHANG ZIYI and present her before the Shaolin Grandmaster, KEN WATANABE and his evil sorceror dressed in ancient Chinese robes, MIN-SIK CHOI.
"My beautiful flower has returned to me." KEN WATANABE says.
The monks bring ZHANG ZIYI before him. He looks down at her. Suddenly, she spits in his face! He closes his eyes and licks the spit away.
"Our marriage will unite the Shaolin Temple with the Tokugawa Shogunate, giving me supreme control over Asia!" KEN WATANABE says.
"Never." ZHANG ZIYI says.
"Then my evil Chinese sorceror will OPEN THE GATES OF HELL." KEN WATANABE says.
The camera zooms into MIN-SIK CHOI's eyes, where the flames of hell can be seen flickering. He smiles evilly.
Suddenly ZHANG ZIYI jumps into the air and kicks the monks away! She does six backflips and grabs weapons off the walls of the Shaolin Temple. Sixty Shaolin monks rush in from side doors and prepare to attack! ZHANG ZIYI fights them all at the same time, for thirty minutes of screen-time. Eventually all the monks are defeated, lying dismembered on the ground.
KEN WATANABE jumps off his throne and assumes a fighting stance. But ZHANG ZIYI uses Chinese superpowers to fly away! WATANABE looks up as she disappears into the sky, his Asian face stony and impassive.
Cut back to PATRICK SWAYZE, JACKIE CHAN, and THE BLACK GUY as they enter a large Asian city, bustling with life. Montage scene of SWAYZE, CHAN, and THE BLACK GUY exploring the Asian city. They stop for lunch and JACKIE CHAN orders a bowl of noodles.
"That don't look like no dinner to me!" THE BLACK GUY says.
Hilarity ensues as PATRICK SWAYZE attempts to use the unfamiliar and illogical chopsticks.
"This is how we do things back in civilization." SWAYZE says, pulling a bar of solid iron ore from the earth and bending it into a knife and fork with his bare hands.
Everyone in the Asian eating area gathers around to stare at the newly created knife and fork. A small Asian child, KE HUY QUAN, runs up to PATRICK SWAYZE.
"What that? What that?" he says.
"This is how we eat back home." PATRICK SWAYZE says, eating the noodles with his knife and fork.
PATRICK SWAYZE takes a Yankees baseball cap out of his pocket and places it on KE HUY QUAN's head.
"What that mean?" KE HUY QUAN says.
"The New York Yankees. The greatest team...in the history of the world." PATRICK SWAYZE says. KE HUY QUAN's eyes light up.
As they continue their tour of the Asian city, JACKIE CHAN dispenses comical Asian dialogue. Despite his obviously superior knowledge of their surroundings, his broken English and comic timing reassure the audience that a supporting role is where Asians belong.
"Let's split up." PATRICK SWAYZE says. "We need to find a place to stay."
The three separate.
JACKIE CHAN spends his time running around and climbing up walls like a monkey. He gets into a comical scuffle with some security guards. The scuffle takes up twenty minutes of screen-time.
THE BLACK GUY wanders into an Asian massage parlor and objectifies the Asian women for ten minutes of screen-time.
PATRICK SWAYZE passes by a grove of blossoming cherry trees. As the beautiful cherry blossoms drift past his head, his face reflects loss and his desire to return home...but then...suddenly...he receives a vision of the beautiful ZHANG ZIYI, her face flashing up against the falling blossoms. Beautiful Asian violin music plays for a while as PATRICK SWAYZE is lost in revery.
"I have to find that girl!" he says.
JACKIE CHAN and THE BLACK GUY appear from nowhere.
"Where were you?" THE BLACK GUY says.
"Chan!" PATRICK SWAYZE says. "When we arrived here, we saw a beautiful girl struggling with some monks. She-"
Just then they hear a sound and look up to see ZHANG ZIYI flying overhead, towards the direction of the Magical Wu-Xia Mountain.
"It's her!" PATRICK SWAYZE says.
"No! It can't be!" JACKIE CHAN says. "She is daughter of the Shogun!"
"We have to find her." PATRICK SWAYZE says.
Cut to the Magical Wu-Xia Mountain.
The Wu-Xia master, ANDY LAU, welcomes ZHANG ZIYI.
"The power of the Shaolin Temple grows." ZHANG ZIYI says. "The Grandmaster has allied with a dark sorceror of Hell! We must raise an army and defeat them, to restore the emperor to power!"
"Your training is not yet complete." ANDY LAU says.
ZHANG ZIYI's facial expression changes from blandly confused to blandly angry - in a sexy way.
"I am more than ready!" she snaps.
"Then approach me - if you dare!" ANDY LAU says.
ZHANG ZIYI flies at ANDY LAU and the two fly around the Magical Wu-Xia Mountain, battling for seventeen minutes of screen-time. Eventually ANDY LAU defeats ZHANG ZIYI, pinning her to the wall.
"Not so ready after all." he gently rebukes her.
Cut to a montage of ANDY LAU training ZHANG ZIYI in the Wu-Xia arts by forcing her to tight-rope walk across a still pond on a spider-thread, blindfolding her and blowing darts at her, forcing her to dodge them, etc. At the end of the montage, ZHANG ZIYI cuts a bunch of trees in half with her bare hands and the foundations of the Magical Wu-Xia Mountain shake.
ANDY LAU then unfolds an ancient scroll covered with Asian writing.
"The legends say that a great white warrior will come from the West to bring peace to the land." he says.
ZHANG ZIYI's face looks surprised. She has a flashback to the beach and remembers PATRICK SWAYZE, who fought to save her. She bows to ANDY LAU and flies away.
Cut back to the Asian city. Night falls. PATRICK SWAYZE, JACKIE CHAN, and THE BLACK GUY rest at an old-fashioned Asian inn.
"No fuckin' way, motherfucker!" THE BLACK GUY says as they are shown to their room. "I ain't sleeping on no floor!"
PATRICK SWAYZE lectures the BLACK GUY for a while on the importance of accepting other cultures.
THE BLACK GUY gets up and walks out into the hall. As he explores the Asian inn, he comes across a room full of attractive Asian women. One of them is LUCY LIU, dressed in a geisha robe. She performs an elegant geisha dance for ten minutes of screen-time, then takes the robe off and, naked, gets into a hot bath.
"Now you're talking!" THE BLACK GUY says. "I want to get me a closer look at that!"
Suddenly the small Asian child, KE HUY QUAN, appears.
"What you doing here, little man?" THE BLACK GUY says.
LUCY LIU hears them and looks up. THE BLACK GUY and KE HUY QUAN try to run away, but hear movement behind them. As they rush back to the hall, PATRICK SWAYZE and JACKIE CHAN come out.
"What happened? What did you do?" PATRICK SWAYZE demands.
"It was nothing, really." THE BLACK GUY says. "A little trouble with some bitches."
From behind him, LUCY LIU and the other geishas exit the bath, now dressed as ninjas. JACKIE CHAN looks terrified.
"She is daughter of the Shaolin Grandmaster!" JACKIE CHAN says. "Trained since birth in the art of geisha-jutsu! Very dangerous!"
LUCY LIU and the other ninjas fight with PATRICK SWAYZE, JACKIE CHAN, small Asian child KE HUY QUAN, and THE BLACK GUY for fifteen minutes of screen-time. Eventually PATRICK SWAYZE's brute strength overcomes LUCY LIU.
"No man has ever defeated me!" LUCY LIU yells, and disappears with ninja stealth.
"You cannot hope to defeat Asians with such a fighting style." JACKIE CHAN says to PATRICK SWAYZE. "You must receive more training!"
Cut to the Tokugawa Shogunate's headquarters. The Shogun, ROBIN SHOU, unfolds a scroll and reads the Asian writing presented to him by his samurai enforcer, JET LI.
"A new white warrior has appeared in the land." JET LI says.
"Foreigners come to our land?" ROBIN SHOU says. "Any word of my daughter?"
"She was last seen flying to the Magical Wu-Xia Mountain." JET LI says.
"It must be a plot!" ROBIN SHOU says. "We must act now! Organize all samurai for an assault on the Shaolin Temple!"
Cut to an Asian mountain. PATRICK SWAYZE is wearing an Asian monk's robe and walking up the mountain path alone. He looks at Asian people working in the rice fields and nods to them. Eventually he reaches the top of the mountain. He enters a tiny monastary at the top and finds PAT MORITA in meditation.
"I've come for the training." PATRICK SWAYZE says.
"To know the way of the warrior, first you must know the path." PAT MORITA SAYS.
"The path?"
PAT MORITA looks away. Cut to a Yin-Yang symbol on the wall.
Cut to a montage of PAT MORITA training PATRICK SWAYZE. PATRICK SWAYZE does menial tasks like carrying buckets of water and polishing PAT MORITA's sandals. Eventually he stands on top of the mountain alone, screaming to the heavens.
"To complete your training, you must snatch this reed from my hands." PAT MORITA says.
PATRICK SWAYZE stares at the reed in PAT MORITA's hands for five minutes of screen-time. Then his hand moves.
"I'm sorry." PAT MORITA says. "It appears that-"
PATRICK SWAYZE looks down.
PAT MORITA opens his hand. The reed is gone.
"It cannot be!" he says.
PATRICK SWAYZE looks determined.
"You will be known for all time as...THE WHITE DRAGON." PAT MORITA says.
PATRICK SWAYZE looks steely and determined.
"Rise up and claim your destiny!' PAT MORITA says.
Cut to the Shaolin Temple.
"The Lord of Hell grows impatient!" MIN-SIK CHOI says, brandishing his evil Chinese sorceror staff.
LUCY LIU enters.
"A new warrior has arisen." LUCY LIU says.
The Shaolin Grandmaster, KEN WATANABE, strokes his beard.
"Order an attack on the Tokugawa Shogunate!" he says. "We will drive that Tokugawa filth from the land!"
"And then OPEN THE GATES OF HELL." MIN-SIK CHOI says.
"Spare the white warrior!" LUCY LIU says. "He is mine!"
Cut to the Asian city. PATRICK SWAYZE has returned from the Asian mountain, dressed in a new Asian warrior costume. Famished from the walk, he heads to a noodle house and orders a bowl.
"Seven dollar!" the old Chinese witch working behind the counter yells out and snatches his money. She is played by CHARLENE CHOI in heavy makeup. Swayze uses his newfound kung-fu skills to snatch the money back before she even notices it's gone.
Suddenly THE BLACK GUY runs out.
"They've got JACKIE CHAN!" he says.
PATRICK SWAYZE walks in to find a bunch of Tokugawa samurai about to execute JACKIE CHAN. As soon as they see him, the samurai rush towards him. The MORTAL KOMBAT theme song begins playing. A fight scene begins, choreographed by YUEN WO-PING. PATRICK SWAYZE takes on thirty samurai by himself and defeats all of them with his new fighting prowess, saving JACKIE CHAN. Ten minutes of screen time.
Suddenly ZHANG ZIYI flies in.
"It's you!" PATRICK SWAYZE says.
ZHANG ZIYI and PATRICK SWAYZE exchange a meaningful look.
"The Shogunate's forces are heading for the Shaolin monastary!" JACKIE CHAN says.
"We'll help you." PATRICK SWAYZE says to ZHANG ZIYI.
"Who's side is she really on?" THE BLACK GUY says.
"We can trust her!" PATRICK SWAYZE says.
PATRICK SWAYZE extends his hand to ZHANG ZIYI. She looks at it, then takes it. Close-up of their faces. ZHANG ZIYI's face shifts from blandly apprehensive to blandly attracted.
"No time!" JACKIE CHAN says. "We have to get to the Temple!"
Cut to ROBIN SHOU and JET LI leading the Tokugawa samurai towards the Shaolin Temple and killing any Asian villagers who get in their way.
Cut to the Shaolin Temple. The Shaolin monks are lined up and training. PATRICK SWAYZE, THE BLACK GUY, and ZHANG ZIYI watch as JACKIE CHAN distracts the guards. He pretends to be an old beggar, and when the guards rush towards him he takes them out. Everyone rushes inside and begins wandering around the corridors of the temple. Five minutes of screen time. The four split up.
THE BLACK GUY wanders around and steals a bunch of treasure from the Temple.
JACKIE CHAN runs up walls like a monkey and avoids danger, creeping around with stealth.
ZHANG ZIYI does battle with some monks.
PATRICK SWAYZE creeps past a a large ornate bedroom. LUCY LIU comes out, wearing her geisha outfit.
"Why are you helping the Shogunate?" LUCY LIU says.
She approaches PATRICK SWAYZE.
"I just want to get out of this country." PATRICK SWAYZE says.
"Join me, and we could rule Asia together." she says.
PATRICK SWAYZE looks conflicted. Just then, screams come from behind him. The Tokugawa samurai are attacking!
PATRICK SWAYZE and LUCY LIU rush out to the balcony. THE BLACK GUY, JACKIE CHAN, and ZHANG ZIYI follow soon after. Below them, tidal waves of samurai march towards the Temple. In response, an army of Shaolin monks begins flooding out of the Temple.
ROBIN SHOU comes to the forefront.
"Seize the Temple!" he yells.
The Shaolin Grandmaster, KEN WATANABE, comes out with his evil Chinese sorcerer, MIN-SIK CHOI.
"Tokugawa, you filth!" KEN WATANABE says. "Now that she's here-" he indicates ZHANG ZIYI, "We will crush you, and rule Asia together!"
"Never!' ZHANG ZIYI says.
"My daughter!" ROBIN SHOU yells.
Suddenly, something approaches from the side. It's an army of Korean ninjas! Everyone turns to look at them. At their head, the Korean leader, NICOLAS CAGE, yells out.
"No longer will you profane our home!" he says. His general, BAE-YONG JUN appears.
"For years the Tokugawa Shogunate and the Shaolin Temple have been selling opium in our land!" BAE YONG-JUN yells. "Now we will destroy you both, and Korea will rule Asia!"
The monks, samurai, and Korean ninjas all rush at each other. An epic battle scene commences, lasting thirty minutes of screen-time. It is intercut with the fighting on the Temple balcony. ROBIN SHOU and JET LI fly up to the balcony and begin fighting with KEN WATANABE and MIN-SIK CHOI.
ROBIN SHOU uses his samurai sword to attack KEN WATANABE, who fights with Shaolin kung-fu.
JET LI uses his ninjutsu to fight MIN-SIK CHOI, who uses dark magic to summon ghosts and demons as well as shooting fire.
NICOLAS CAGE and BAE-YONG JUN use Korean tae kwon do to fight ZHANG ZIYI and LUCY LIU.
"After this, I'm going to kill you!" LUCY LIU says to her temporary partner.
ZHANG ZIYI looks stony and impassive.
JACKIE CHAN and THE BLACK GUY fight off random ninjas, samurai, and Shaolin monks climbing up the walls of the temple.
PATRICK SWAYZE stands alone, meditating in the middle of the war as the camera swirls around him. Dark intensity lights up his eyes.
Suddenly ANDY LAU flies in from the Magical Wu-Xia Mountain and fires Qi blasts at ROBIN SHOU and JET LI. Both are fazed long enough for KEN WATANABE and MIN-SIK CHOI to kill them. ANDY LAU begins fighting with MIN-SIK CHOI.
"After I kill you, I'll OPEN THE GATES OF HELL!" MIN-SIK CHOI says. He uses evil Chinese magic to raise the dead. On the battlefield below, dead ninjas, samurai, and monks return to life as flesh-eating zombies! The battlefield is reduced to total chaos!
"Never, monster!" ANDY LAU yells.
ZHANG ZIYI and LUCY LIU have realized that their shared status as violent Asian women forces them to team up to defeat the Korean leaders, NICOLAS CAGE and BAE-YONG JUN. They pick up BAE-YONG JUN and use him as a battering ram, beating NICOLAS CAGE to death with him. Then they throw BAE-YONG JUN off the balcony.
"KOREA FOREVER!" he screams as his body plummets below. He's still alive when he hits the ground...although not for long, as the zombies rush in to devour him! He dies screaming.
ANDY LAU uses his Qi blasts to subdue MIN-SIK CHOI. Suddenly a samurai sword thrusts through MIN-SIK CHOI from behind! It's THE BLACK GUY!
"Can't a brother be a ninja too?" he asks.
ANDY LAU smiles and gives him thumbs up. MIN-SIK CHOI's body slumps to the ground.
KEN WATANABE begins fighting JACKIE CHAN. CHAN runs all around the temple like a monkey, using anything he can find as a prop. WATANABE's power keeps pushing him back. Eventually, WATANABE forces him to the edge of the balcony.
"Hey."
It's PATRICK SWAYZE. WATANABE turns and faces him, his eyes burning with hate.
"Why don't you pick on someone...whiter?" PATRICK SWAYZE says.
KEN WATANABE and PATRICK SWAYZE begin fighting on the edge of the balcony. WATANABE is overcome by SWAYZE's newly acquired fighting skills. SWAYZE prepares to deliver the killing blow, when:
A fireball flies out of nowhere and hits him! It's MIN-SIK CHOI, still not dead.
"The Dark Lord won't let me die!" he says, preparing to deliver another fireball and finish SWAYZE off. THE BLACK GUY immediately cuts MIN-SIK CHOI's head off. But the fireball is launched...
And LUCY LIU jumps in to absorb it. Her body is charred to a crisp.
"White...Dragon..." she says.
PATRICK SWAYZE regains his composure and rushes to her side.
"Why did you save my life?" PATRICK SWAYZE asks.
"I love you." LUCY LIU says. "Remember me..."
She dies.
"Why? WHY?" PATRICK SWAYZE says, cradling her corpse.
"My daughter...it can't be..." KEN WATANABE says, approaching.
He and PATRICK SWAYZE face each other off.
"She loved you, not me!" KEN WATANABE says, tears in his eyes. "Now, YOU DIE!"
KEN WATANABE and PATRICK SWAYZE fight for ten minutes of screen time.
Eventually, the camera swirls around them. PATRICK SWAYZE remembers his training under PAT MORITA.
"Remember...the path..." PAT MORITA says in his mind.
PATRICK SWAYZE delivers a final blow and knocks KEN WATANABE off the balcony. He falls and is impaled on a samurai sword.
On the battlefield, the samurai, ninjas, and monks have all killed each other. Asia is saved!
"We won...but at what cost?" JACKIE CHAN says.
"CHAN...your father isn't in jail. He was executed." ANDY LAU says.
"NO!!!" JACKIE CHAN cries.
"This makes you the new emperor of Asia." ANDY LAU says.
"It's up to you, now." ZHANG ZIYI says.
"Won't you stay and help me?" JACKIE CHAN says to her.
ZHANG ZIYI walks to PATRICK SWAYZE's side. JACKIE CHAN understands.
"We'll build a new Asia...one that's drug-free!" ANDY LAU says, placing a hand on JACKIE CHAN's shoulder. ANDY LAU and JACKIE CHAN kiss.
Cut to the beach. Following PATRICK SWAYZE's example earlier in the film, all the Asian people have begun to use knives and forks instead of chopsticks. They all raise their knives and forks and salute in tribute as PATRICK SWAYZE and ZHANG ZIYI step onto a new ship, about to sail back to America. PATRICK SWAYZE kisses ZHANG ZIYI, drawing wild cheers.
"If my love for you has an expiration date, then let it be ten thousand years!" PATRICK SWAYZE says.
ZHANG ZIYI begins crying with joy.
"I guess Asians can show emotion after all!" THE BLACK GUY says.
Everyone laughs.
PATRICK SWAYZE picks up ZHANG ZIYI and carries her inside the ship. He opens a door, and out pops - KE HUY QUAN, the small Asian child! He's stowed away on the ship.
"I see New York Yankees! In America!" he says.
Everyone laughs.
The credits roll, and a new Asian-sounding song by UTADA HIKARU plays.
After the credits, a title comes up which says
"AND SO, EVEN TO THIS DAY, ASIANS REFER TO ASIA AS....OUR LAND."